Join SIF yahoogroup, get answers....

Join SIF yahoogroup"

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Subject: Narcissistic Community of Women (This summation is based on a book called Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin, PhD.). Submitted to SIF Yahoo group by : Friend Friend. This would explain the genesis of the Award winning article(The Dark Side of NRI Marriages: Husbands Fall Victim to Dowry-Immigration Fraud) by Lisa Tsering blogged at

Original post of this article at:

The Narcissistic Community of Women (NCW)

The Narcissistic Community of Women (NCW) is comprised of women who are pathological liars. In a way they are sadists; they use verbal and psychological abuse and violence against the weak among the women, the elderly and even young children. When the narcissistic woman’s glamour and trickery wears thin, underneath lurks a monster, which sucks the affect, distorts the cognition and irreversibly influences the lives of those around it to the worse. The narcissistic woman has no time/energy for anything except the next narcissistic fix, no matter what the price and who is trampled on. Depending on who is involved, the narcissistic women behave differently. They will not be enraged by the behavior of an important person, but will become absolutely malevolent with their own husband and in-laws under the same circumstances. For the narcissistic women, humans are dispensable/ re-usable.

The narcissist is judgmental (with no merit) is above reproach and is above any law, social or other (threatens her grandiosity). If ignored, feels empty, humiliated, wrathful, discriminated against, neglected and feels that she is compromising, sooner or later, the narcissistic woman
will plot, conspire and do what ever is necessary to regain lost ground, recognizes no borders and no other people except those who are able to provide her narcissistic supply sources. To cause someone to have sex with her is a powerful feeling for the narcissistic woman. It leads to
a quick succession of narcissistic supply sources.

The narcissistic woman is unable to simulate emotions (only able to feign emotions), is devious and is very convincing. Gradually, the narcissistic woman distorts the personalities of those she is in constant touch with (e.g. colleagues, workers, professionals, etc.). Casts them in her deficient mold, limits them, redirects them and inhibits them. She drives the mate/spouse, colleagues/workers, professionals and even children into collaborating and induces them to criminal and romantic impulses. The narcissistic women are charmers, persuaders and gifted
actors. Many such women belong to the socio-economically privileged classes and find scapegoats or co-conspirators very easily and get away because of society (being able to have the rules bent for them, etc.). The facilitators once compromised, continue collaborating to hide their own dishonesty.

Narcissistic women are enamored of status symbols (big houses, expensive cars, clothes, jewelry, successful spouses, private schools for kids, etc.). The narcissism and religion may go well together, because it allows the narcissistic woman to feel unique and believe that they have
a “direct line to God.” She baits authority and challenges (e.g. false complaints, not complying with court/custody/visitation orders etc.). She fears air-travel, ‘Narcissistic confinement’. A Narcissistic woman may flaunt and exploit physical charms (may claim false modesty and yet
may reveal herself as a possible “whore”). She may cast herself in the role of the eternal victim. For the narcissistic woman, to be abandoned (e.g. an impending divorce) means to be judged in her totality. Even though the narcissistic woman, works towards the disintegration of the
relationship, “Desertion is emotional annihilation of the narcissistic woman” and consequently feels annulled, rendered transparent, abused, exploited and objectified.

The narcissistic woman is born into a dysfunctional family (affective dysfunction and massive denials) with several personality disorders, constant aggression and violence/abuse (verbal/psychological/physical and sexual). The narcissistic woman has 2 masks, the first, the “false self” and the second, as a “vulnerable child like person (and subject to protection) who is a genius (therefore worthy of special treatment).” The narcissistic woman makes absurd accusations, distorts facts, pronounces allegations, and motivated by the fear of abandonment will demean herself to the point of provoking repulsion in the beholder.

When confronted by a crisis (e.g. impending divorce): Blinded by pain, the married narcissistic woman turns to and upon those nearest to her (husband and in-laws) – in fear – embarks on an orgy of self destruction intended to generate attention at any cost. Traumatizes the spouse, does not hesitate to lie, fabricate, deceive or “expose” (misleading) half-truths. Is a star among the ranks of crooks, villains and con artists? May maliciously and intentionally shower bad intentions on some victims (e.g. estranged spouse) and sadistically forces them to pay a heavy toll, materially, in reputation and emotionally. Engages in acts, which puts husband and in-laws in the line of punishment, hurts people, breaks the law or violates morality(A True "Family Terrorist"). May return to an old haunt (defunct pathological narcissistic space) e.g. an ex-mate, if she can no longer inhabit the current pathological narcissistic space.

Suddenly, because of boredom, an act or a mood (it does not have to be grounded in reality), the narcissistic woman swings from idealization to devaluation and the mate/spouse who is still a major source of narcissistic supply (to be punished for not being docile/obedient) is subjected to acts of sadism “I inflict pain, therefore I am superior.”

The narcissistic woman invades the victim’s territory (e.g. job), abuses confidence, exhausts resources, hurts her husband’s loved ones, humiliates and insults privately and in public. Actions and reactions are determined by input from outside (e.g. parent narcissist/friend who has acquired similar traits/support groups, etc.). Calls the Police because they represent the law and what is right (represents her rigid parents), to suppress the unruly behavior, of her own narcissistic disorder, (blamed on the victim). The rigid parents (often narcissists themselves)
reward and punish arbitrarily, abandon, smother with ill regulated emotions, instill a rigid, sadistic super-ego, (but will even help cover up murder by their emotionally crippled child-adult) and are a secondary narcissistic supply source.

The narcissistic child represents the dysfunctional family (with mood disorders, abuse, Cluster B personality disorders, etc.). “Life is a Movie,” gaining control by “writing a scenario” or by “inventing a narrative” is commonplace for the narcissistic woman. Emits a narcissistic signal (reaches out to ex-mates) then receives a host of narcissistic stimuli (messages from people willing to collaborate in providing the narcissistic supply), rates these stimuli and those with the highest rating is selected, then over valued. Feels magically rewarded, re-awakened. The Narcissist has no genuine emotions, can be in love with the narcissistic supply source because the person is famous/has money/power/comes from the right family/ is a Citizen of a foreign country (whereas the narcissist is a potential immigrant and needs sponsorship).

To impress a group of people (e.g. support groups) the narcissist will identify with their goals and beliefs to the point of ridicule. The narcissist is always the most fanatical, extreme and the most dangerous (at stake is her own survival). Having learned to manipulate their human environment to a masterly extent, they believe they will always “get away with it” and “punishment is for ordinary people.” Once the group is no longer instrumental, the narcissistic woman devalues it, ignores it and in extreme cases destroys it (as punishment for its incompetence at securing her narcissistic supply).

When confronted with her own off-springs, the narcissistic woman at first perceives them as a threat to her narcissistic supply sources and may attempt to hurt them. If this proves to be in effective, subjects them to emotional absence and detachment, and directs transformed anger at the spouse (starting soon after the delivery).

Some manipulate their spouse by “taking over” the child (Annexation and Assimilation) and use it as a source of narcissistic supply. The mother can cast herself in the role of the eternal victim, who has dedicated her life to the child (implicit proviso of reciprocity) and may treat the child as an extension of the Mother, or she may create a situation of the Mother and child “united against external threats” (having already destroyed the Father).

If the offspring starts becoming judgmental (as he/she gets older), then he/she is perceived as a threat and is rejected to get what the narcissistic woman finally wants “disintegration.” Contempt, rage, emotional and psychological abuse and even physical violence occur if the
narcissistic woman is disenchanted with her child – narcissism breeds’ narcissism. If the mother herself is the narcissist type, the growth prospects of the child are indeed dim.

Other personality disorders may be inter-related: (Cluster B Disorders – e.g. Narcissistic, Borderline and Antisocial).

In stressful situations, they will try to pre-empt a (real/imaginary) threat, introduce new variables or otherwise influence the external world (cajole, bribery, threaten, fabricate, etc.) to conform to their needs.

Borderline Personality Disorder patients may experience brief psychotic “micro-episodes.” It is a case of a failed narcissistic solution and may lead to self-mutilation. The Anti-Social Personality may in addition exhibit internalized and transformed aggression directed at a self-perceived inadequate worthy of nothing but elimination. The Cluster B Personality Disorders may overlap and during a crisis may exhibit features of the other. Personality Disorders are more common in people with breast augmentation (as per some researchers).

To stop a narcissist Do not adore, approve, applaud or confirm anything that the narcissistic woman says. Receiving special treatment (from lawyers, psychologists, courts, support groups, etc.) will only exacerbate the condition by supporting the grandiose, fantastic image the narcissistic woman has of herself. Force the narcissistic woman to admit that she is absolutely wrong and in need of professional help. Get them to commit to therapy.

Get the narcissistic woman to confront (during therapy) a real version of herself. (A good friend/spouse/therapist/parent or all can help). Set up rigid, strict and well-defined rules. Clear and painful sanctions must be applied religiously and mercilessly, set in writing in unequivocal language. Get the narcissistic woman to confront the narcissist parent. Penalize the criminal acts.

(This summation is based on a book called Malignant Self Love –
Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin, PhD.) . Submitted to SIF Yahoo group by : Friend Friend

Is this the reason why we have a growing Creed of "Doosri Radhas", like former Inspector General Mr.D.K.Panda, so much so that NCW itself is to inquire into dowry harassment claims against D K .

Cruiser, Deeper soon


Anonymous said...

Obsessive Compulsive can be a devastating disease that affects millions of individuals and families. Find the right Obsessive Compulsive program for yourself or a loved. It will be the first day of the rest of their or your life.

You can get more assistance at .

Anonymous said... has a download PDF document (public Domain), entitled;"Pathologically Narcissistic Women and the Gender-Biased Criminal Harassment Law in Canada. That site also has a Canadian Charter Challenge to the Criminal Harassment Law, widely abused by police in Canada through "tunnel vision."

jbgood said...

I was married to one of these. The worst mistake I ever made. They are as bad as described. I'm still getting over it but my kids are under her spell. These women are a health hazard to those close to them. Thank God I am away.


Anonymous said...

I can't believe it took me more than 13 years of scratching my head at behavior I KNEW to be off kilter. Our sex life came to a virtual halt while unsafe sex with anyone that would give her attention skyrocketed. The lies were so well crafted and the mental abuse so intense that inevitably I thought I was the cause. In the end... she walked away without a single word and I haven't heard from her since. The most devastating aspect was her ability to manufacture a false personality for the world to recognize instead of the person I am. How she could convince everyone for years that I was beating her without me finding out was shockingly unbelievable. I wish I would have researched Narcissism a long time ago. It could have saved my life.

Al said...

It's impossible to get a narciss into therapy. Changes are you yourself end up there after relating for a longer period of time with such a lady.

PapasChild said...

I have made youtube videos on this very topic. Please feel free to view and comment on them:

Anonymous said...

I met my wife when I was recently divorced (from another narcissist)lonely and in need of caring for someone. Little did I know I'd fall for the trap of someone deep in this condition. I have been so lonely and considered suicide because of the deep level of rejection. Her mother was the key. She was ruthless, but ironically "loved" by strangers. She never bonded with her children. The same is true with my wife. Like a flame, they warm at a distance (social circle) and burn when too close (spouses, family).

Thank you for this site, I won't waste my time in making sense when I should be spending my energies getting out.

Anonymous said...

i can't believe how many people hate my guts before ever meeting me. 20 yrs of confusion trying to figure out how no mater how hard i tried everything blew up in my face. friends pastors and all my friends think i'm this horrible wife beater and everytime she would have another affair all i would her from everyone was how hard it's been on her. learning about npd literaly saved my life. before learning this i attempted suicide twice i was in such distress. i think that even if i did know she would just deny it and then fake her way through and i'd just look to be an even bigger fool. i think the best thing you can do if your married to on of these is just leave.

ispyspeed said...

I have made some informative video on narcissist women.

Men out there, if you are having a hard time with your heart and mind, you are not alone. Come to

Anonymous said...

I just broke up with my ex Narci girlfriend of 2 years and it is killing me. Yet, reading all this information on Narci, there is 'no doubt' I was in this mess, too. The manipulation, and literal brain washing through subtly tearing down my self-esteem and always having to feed into her incessant need for adoration and literal worship has left me emotionally bankrupt. You all said it best when you 'KNOW' something is just not right with this person but they are like a snake charmer and you get sucked into their fantasy world. Then you start thinking that things in this world are 'normal' and the REAL 'normal' world is out of synch! It's like a bad movie and the ending was terrible. Best to all in avoiding these black widows in the future.

Anonymous said...

Please check out my video channel on this topic. It is based on my personal experience with a narcissistic mentor and former husband.

Anonymous said...

I am a son of one of those things. It took me 10 years to start to break free. I got to a point where even the people I gathered with were narcissistic themselves out of masochism to recreate the family context...Everyone in my family, haunts and uncles, my father and sister, absolutely everyone has completely stopped talking with my so called "mother". It was a hellish nightmare for both my sister and I as she only but tortured and destroyed us since we were born.

If you have a narcissistic spouse; leave immediately no questions asked, run for your life! Don't even try to get them to get help or even worst, helping them yourself as it will only supply them with more attention and fuel they're evil deeds.

They will ONLY do whatever they can to destroy you and everyone around including they're own kids! (personal experience. its not fun. trust me.)

Plus I am left afraid of being infected by such an evil disease and probably am.

I have been tortured and mangled for the first half of my life by those things and will spend the other half trying not to become one. That's what a narcissist man/woman will do to you, period.

Neville Kevin said...

My entire lifes work was destroyed three days ago ....she broke my computers , took me to the cops, went to my promoter, called her parents and lied beyond anything ... my daughter of 2years 5 months is at grave risk ... of becoming a NPD victim... my step daughter of 17years is already well on the way ... my financial situation is really really bad... yes... bought upon by my npd wife.
How do i explain to anybody that she is a NPD and needs to be either treated, divorced or anything that can save the children from her influence ?!!
[ i am a completely broken man ... anything i write here will be a carbon copy of any other man suffering at the hands of a NPD wife]

Anonymous said...

I to was married to a Narcissist---man---I (woman) controlled a large corporation we started 24 yrs ago--(he did not like it I had so much control--I now realize, as control is a huge issue for a Narcissist and he wanted to take it away from me---I, after 21 yrs, had a emotional breakdown--great depths of depression and suicidal thoughts I seeked professional help immediately --I did not know what was wrong with me---Of curse now I know why---He used incredible abusive narcissistic behaviors towards me---21 years--not 2 days out of a 10 day stay, he canceled my credit cards, wiped out my checking account and as he was President of the Corporation---dummy me--terminated me from my position---He told the judge I was emotionally unstable and kept me from my children--they eventually moved out on him--they are now with me --he took the home away-- I had to stay at my parents as I had no money--(I had an annual income of $250,000 yr.)and he E-mailed 20 friends and family member stating I am emotionally unstable----today my Attorney--actually stated to me "he wanted you dead?---and I just said back--"yes I know John" As it is now 15 mths later I am the happiest woman alive--I sued him--for wrongful termination----I positioned to buy him out --- ,I ended up letting him buy me out because he was such a fool---obviously he had no idea what the company was worth---as I ran the corporation and acquired all new acquisitions-- he overpaid me $420,000. I give him 12 mths and he will be in bankruptcy--god does work in mysterious ways--to add 3 weeks---(that is right)-- into our separation he met a woman--married twice--- 3 kids and was in bankruptcy--she is very provocative--a pro you might say-- she has very defined --narcissistic personality traits-they are to be married in 4 mths and she already wants to get pregnant---he is 50 yrs old---what happens when one narcissist marries another narcissist is my next question??? It has so far taken me 13 mths of treatment to understand the abuse---and I am sure I will be in therapy for some time yet. By the way--- I will be getting the house back next mth. I am a survivor--and it is nice to get me back---I am somebody--even thou he told I was not

Anonymous said...

i knew a woman exactly as described by this blog. she "was" my friend until she realized i was a better artist than her. she was also upset when she found out that i can do her job (i had no formal training) with no problems that she never took another sick day off even when she caught a stomach virus. she was intensely jealous of my slender arms because her were more muscular than mine. so she decided to try and push me to do push-ups with which i repled to her that i preferred my arms to be more feminine. i mean she actually tried to convince me that push-ups won't make my arms bigger. i couldn't believe the lie. she constantly talked about every other co-workers we had. She believed that she was the most beautiful person ever and that it was everyone else that was jealous of her. all i can say is that i am so glad she is not in my life anymore. i just feel bad for her children and husband who she played these endless manipulations with. it's just so sad.

Anonymous said...

It is unfortunate that ANYONE would have to fall victim to anything of this nature!!!! My heart goes out to you!! I am dating a gentleman who was at the mercy of a, as many of you stated, ended in an awful, ugly way a little over a year ago. Now my question is, have you the victims been able to 'get over' the pain of the ugly relationship???? Is there a huge aftermath??? Sometimes it seems like he is emotional disconnected, not sure if it is apprehensiveness, fear, lack of trust- maybe all of the above??? He is very kind and caring towards me but I sense something I can't put my finger

Anonymous said...

I just ended a 5 year friendship with a narcissistic woman. She engaged me right away with her spiritual guidance, beauty, wit, charm, academic accomplishment, and mirroring-type connection. Over the years, I grew from the friendship because she really is extremely intelligent and knows a LOT about Eastern spirituality. She presents herself as an informal guru or shaman, and she does in fact have talents in energy work. However, she was also a self-described professional dominatrix and "alpha-bitch". As I continued to grow under her tutelage, I became the apprentice who challenged the sorceror with my own talents and abilities. She began cutting me to the bone with seemingly "helpful" criticisms about my deepest personality traits and motivations. I used those criticisms still to grow from, because I am a master of making lemonade out of the sourest fruit. She started withholding her friendship by flaking, telling excuses, and disrespecting me in subtle yet extremely hard-hitting slights. Finally, I decided I could take it no more, and I changed our social networking family list status. She wrote asking what she had done. I'd had prior experience attempting to, as she constantly demanded, "call her on her shit" but that is a total set-up. If anyone does anything other than adulate, she becomes verbally incisive and makes you hate your very core self. So I didn't reply. One month later, she made a huge fb dramatic uproar by posting a suicide note on her wall. People from all over the world became intensely worried about her, and somehow they all saw me as her "best friend" and I became the Bureau of R's Rescue. Fearful that she had actually done the deed, I choked back my pride and tried to reconnect, to help, offering apologies and at last an answer to why my shoulder was so cold. A blistering text telling me that I am emotionally immature, a child, self-centered, and with limited viewpoint...also re-writing history (not surprising since she has taken my quotes as her own and even appropriated my childhood memories as her own) to try and make me hate myself and become weak and adulating once more. She concluded that to be her friend, you have to constantly "see her", and then said "Namaste". What a load of horse patooty. After years of walking on eggshells and propping up her ego as her trusty sidekick, I've joined the ranks of bitter ex-associates. I was raised by an alcoholic narcissistic father, so I come pre-equipped with coping strategies and proclivities to being mistreated as narcissistic supply. I wasn't used to a WOMAN playing this role and sucking my life force dry like a vampire. She is a very masculine/intellectual type. She can do no wrong, and she is here to save the world. Also, she always has that studied super-groomed, designer chic, spa facial presentation and brags about how the aesthetician viewed her skin under a scope and thought she was 30 instead of 45. She is currently driving her newlywed marriage into the ground. I feel terrible for her husband. Thanks for letting me sound off.

Anonymous said...

I have struggled for 23 years with my mother who is all of the above ! And at the age of 44 I have to put a distance between us to save myself and my girls from her nasty controlling ways .sometimes unplugging my landline for weeks at a time ! I have ways of coping with her but I still fnd myself running for cover. Everything that has gone wrong in the past has been my fault. I'm always in the wrong and she and her feeling are the most important thing. If I do confide in her she will use this against me at a later date. I'm at a crossroads do try and keep some sort of relationship with her or take the hit now and suffer or when she dies! My only brother has nothing to do with my mother and has not spoken to her in Five years nor has she never seen his children ! Sometimes lock down mode is the only way I can live my life ! :-( 1